1) check grammar mistakes
2) try to remove I, me, my as much as possible (but do not remove it if it makes the text uglier)
3) this is very important: please, connect the first paragraph with the last one by mentioning in the last paragraph something from the first paragraph. It will be great if you take some of my skills or my personal traits from the beginning and add it to the end. So it will make my personal statement as a story, not just a list of words. I believe that the best place to add some of my skills or personal traits in the last paragraph is within or after this sentence: I believe my skills, experiences, and personal traits
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Please, feel free to ask me if you have any questions