Expert answer:Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­W

  

Solved by a verified expert:Business WritingFundamentalswith JudySteiner­WilliamsExercise Guide ­ Answer KeyDirections: Use this answer key to compare my revisions with yours. Ive leftcomments to explain my choices.Clear1. Original Version: Jack told Jim that he could leave the meeting early.The problem is that we dont know who gets to leave the meeting earlyJack orJim?Revision: Jack said to Jim, You may leave the meeting early. Jack told Jim that Jim could leavethe meeting early.In these two, Jim leaves early.Jack said to Jim, I am leaving the meeting early.In this one Jack leaves early.2. Original Version: Put the report on the corner desk in the conference room.Are we supposed to put the report on the corner desk in the conference room orpick upthe report from the corner desk and place it in the conference room?Revision: Put the report that is on the corner desk in the conference room.This revision indicates that the report is on the corner desk.The report should be placed on the corner desk in the conference room.This revision means that the report is to be placed on the corner desk.3. Original Version: Younger workers made delicious appetizers at the banquet.The younger workers were probably not served as the appetizers. This is anexample where we can assume what the writer meant even though the writer didnot write clearly what was meant.Revision: The younger workers prepared delicious appetizers for the banquet attendees. Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams2 of 12Conversational2. Original Version: Please be advised that I am sending your materials pursuant to your requestunder separate cover and also inquiring today in regards to your August 10 Order #249. Thankyou for the acknowledgement that you received it. Kindly let me know if the order was completeupon receipt of it. With reference to the aforementioned order, it was shipped August 4.Please be advised, pursuant to your request, and in regards to are notconvesational phrases.Revision: You will receive your requested materials in a separate package. Also, was Order #249(shipped August 4) complete?3. Original Version: In accordance with your wishes for your ordering preference andnotwithstanding the fact that you are changing the ordering procedure we have on file for you, itshould be noted that we are hereby advising you that your next order will be shipped by Red LineMotor Freight.In accordance with, notwithstanding the fact, should be noted that, andhereby advising are not conversational words for most of us.Revision: As you requested, your next order will be sent by Red Line Motor Freight.Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams3 of 12Considerate1. Original Version: I am writing to answer your questions about the survey I conducted bytelephoneon Saturday, September 19. You wanted to know what I asked and who was included in thesurvey. I questioned a few customers in two groupsthose who are new and those who are long­time customers. The purpose of the survey was to find out why the new customers became ourcustomers and why the long­time customers remain customers. I also wanted to find out whatthey know about our competition and if the location of the customer made any difference in howlong theyve been our customer. Other relevant information that I thought would be important isif they like for our representatives to leave voicemail and if our hours are convenient.The reader is faced with a long paragraph loaded with lots of information that isdifficult to separate.Revision: The following data was collected from the telephone survey of both new and long­timecustomers I conducted on Saturday, September 19:Reasons customers choose to do business with usHow we rank against our competitionIf our hours and location are convenientThe preferred method of contact2. Original Version:TO: All employees FROM: Jami Hulen, Supervisor JH DATE: (current date)SUBJECT: Company AbsenteeismOn August 8, the Human Resource Department mailed questionnaires (copy attached) tothe supervisors of each of the ten departments. Nine of the supervisors have returned thequestionnaires. The received responses are being tabulated and analyzed. After thecommittee thoroughly studies the results, it will then recommend how to help improveattendance. All employees will receive copies of this report at least one week before theSeptember meeting so everyone will have an opportunity to think about therecommendations and have input at the meeting. Mary, Jon, and Alan will present theanalyses at the annual employee meeting on (include date).The writer was not considerate of the readers time, first because thesubject line does not clearly identify the memos content. Second, twodifferent ideas are included, but the writer has put both into one paragraph.Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams4 of 12Revision:TO: All employeesFROM: Jami Hulen, Supervisor JHDATE: (current date)SUBJECT: Progress on and Plans for Study of Company Absenteeism Here is the most currentinformation on the company absenteeism study.Questionnaire ProcessOn August 8, the Human Resource Department mailed questionnaires (copy attached) to thesupervisors of each of the ten departments. Nine of the supervisors have returned thequestionnaires.The responses are being tabulated and analyzed.Future PlansAfter the committee thoroughly studies the results, it will then recommend how to help improveattendance. All employees will receive copies of this report at least one week before theSeptember meeting so everyone will have an opportunity to think about the recommendations andhave input at the meeting.Mary, Jon, and Alan will present the analyses at the annual employee meeting on (current date)3. Original Version: The building was inspected last month by our VP, and it exceeded theminimum requirement we need for a new storage facility. Ryan said to make certain thateveryone on the committee knows that our minimum requirement is 10,000 sq. ft. and that theMaxum Building is 12,000 sq. ft. Other items on the agenda for the next meeting are overtimepay, which needs to be reduced, and parkinglot upgrades. Ryan mentioned that the building inspector will give a report on the MaxumBuildings condition. The parking lot will get new security lights by the end of the quarter.This message does not begin with the purpose, has more than one idea, jumps backand forth between ideas, and does not organize the information into logicalcategories. Revision:VP Ryans Agenda Items for Next Months MeetingMaxum Building Update: The Maxum Building, which is being considered for a newstorage location, is 12,000 sq. ft., 2,000 sq. ft. more than our minimum requirement. Thebuilding inspector will report on his findings about the buildings condition.Overtime Pay: It will be reduced.Parking Lot: New security lights that will be installed by the end of the quarter.Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams5 of 12Correct1. Original Version: All along the production line employees have expressed a need for morefrequent breaks.The reader doesnt know what the sentence means without the correct punctuation.If the comma is inserted after All along, the message is different from the commabeing inserted after line.Revision: All along, the production line employees have expressed a need for more frequentbreaks. (Meaning they have always wanted the breaks.)All along the production line, employees have expressed a need for more frequent breaks.(Meaning the production line employees are the ones that want the breaks.)2. Original Version: Here are a list off the attendees; Susanna Arreaza, Doris Belmount, PamBurin, Steve Corey, James Medinna, Kev Peary, Melanie White, and Lou Waters. The list is iscomplete. If you want too request more information about the class. Please call 1.800.555.520.This example has problems with subject­verb agreement, look­alike words,punctuation, proofreading, homonyms, and sentence structure.Revision: Here is a list of the attendees: Susanna Arreaza, Doris Belmount, Pam Burin, SteveCorey, James Medinna, Kev Peary, Melanie White, and Lou Waters. The list is complete. If youwant to request more information about the class, please call 1.800.555.5206.3. Original Version: Everyone brought their lunch to the meeting. The consensus was that its notgoing to rain so the meeting can be held in the park Sam said that he will make sure everybodyknow where to park.This example contains a run­on sentence and confuses the homonyms its andits.Revision: Everyone brought his/her lunch for the meeting. The consensus was that its not goingto rain, so the meeting can be held in the park. Sam said that he will make sure everybody knowswhere to park.Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams6 of 12Courteous 1. Original Version: You cant use that door even if it is closer to the parking lot becausecompany policy says that door is to be used only by guests. I cant grant you an exception. Youcertainly should know by now which door is the employee door!This example contains negative words (cant and company policy) and uses apreachy tone.Revision: Door A is reserved for guests only. Door B is always available for all employees.2. Original Version: If you had followed the instructions that came with the product, youwouldnt be requesting another one to replace the broken one you returned. Even though youdidnt follow the directions, we are going to send you a replacement.This example uses a preachy tone and lingers on the negative, but it also placesblame on the customer.Revision: You will receive your replacement, along with an updated instruction manual, byFriday. Page 13 diagrams the steps to using your product to ensure that it provides years ofdependable service.3. Original Version: We are going to accept your request to participate in your donation efforts.We think that helping the homeless in our community is something that shouldnt be ignored.Because we dont have enough in our budget for the rest of the year, we cant give what you haverequested. We hope that this $10,000 will give us thepublicity that we are a Silver Donor aslisted on your information sheet.Again, the writer is using a negative tone. Phrases like shouldnt be, we dont,and we cant arent necessary.Revision: Here is our $10,000 Silver Donor donation to help your organizations worthwhileefforts to help the homeless in our community.Concise2. Original Version: Weve noticed some of you struggling to read the information on the billingticket. Weve experimented with different positions and have found that ideally, it would be bestto put the billing ticket just below the screen and above the keyboard.This example contains extra (and obvious) information.Revision: The best location for easily reading the billing ticket is between the screen andkeyboard. Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams7 of 123. Original Version: We are writing to inform you that the purpose of this letter is to indicate thatif we are unable to mutually benefit from our seller/buyer relationship, with satisfactory payment,then we have no alternative other than to sever the relationship. In other words, unless the accountis handled in 45 days, we will have to change your terms to a permanent COD basis. Due to thefact that your account is past due for the amount of $1,500, the privilege of buying on credit willin the future no longer be available because we can longer provide that service until your unpaidbalance is paid.107 words The example contains a lot of words that dont add any meaning. We are writingto inform you? Well, of course.Revision: Please pay your $1,500 account balance by (date) to keep your credit account open.After that date, your account will be permanent COD.23 words Complete1. Original Version: You are invited to be one of the first guests at our new store. An open housewill be held from 4:00­6:00 p.m. on Friday (include exact date). Hors doeuvres will be servedand tours will be available for you to view the new facilities.Where is the new store located?Revision: You are invited to be one of the first guests at our new store, located on the northwestcorner of Grimes and Smith, 9001 N. Grimes. An open house will be held from 4:00­6:00 p.m. onFriday (include exact date). Hors doeuvres will be served and tours will be available for you toview the new facilities.2. Original Version: You will need to contact the team leader who has just been assigned to therecruiting team. The leader will tell you when and where the next meeting is and the agenda. Letthe team leader know that you have been notified of this change.Who is the new team leader? How should he be contacted? When is theinformation needed?Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams8 of 12Revision: You will need to contact Jim Bain, the new team leader for the recruiting team. Jim willnotify everyone when and where the next meeting is and provide the agenda. Let Jim know at[email protected] company.org by 5:00 p.m. Friday that you have been notified of this change.3. Original Version: If you want to take advantage of the opportunity to earn the preferredcustomer status and reap all the benefits, be certain you have purchased the required amount,have submitted the required forms on line, and have activated your new card if you have receivedit.This example raises a lot of questions. What are the benefits of this status? What isthe required purchase amount? Where can I find the required forms? What is Ihavent received my new card?Revision: You will have the preferred customer status and be able to have advance notice of allsales and save 20% on your total purchase, as soon as you havepurchased a total of $500completed the forms at [email protected]activated your new card, which should arrive by (date)Concrete1. Original Version: As we discussed, I needed to work to the best of my abilities, and Ithink I improved. I called on more customers and made more sales. I was on time almostalways for my appointments and remembered to bring extra forms. This example contains vague words that dont project confidence, such asI think and almost.Revision: Based on the performance improvements you recommended, I achieved thefollowing:Called on 14 customers this month (8 last month)Sales increased to $7,234 from $5,670Met clients at scheduled time except for Mr. Axsom. (10 minutes late because of trafficbackup and I let him know I would be late)Had a complete supply of all forms customers requested.Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams9 of 122. Original Version: I asked several employees how they felt about the new plan, and many ofthem said they were opposed to some of the provisions. I learned which provisions they wereopposed to through a survey. Therefore, it shouldnt be approved.This isnt a very convincing argument. Exactly how many employees are opposedto the new plan?Revision: Results of the survey showed that eighty percent of our employees are opposed toProvisions A, G, and P. I recommend that we postpone approving the new plan.3. Original Version: As you requested, here is some input about how our company is doing. I likesome of the things our company is doing, but other things are having a negative impact onemployee morale. Some of us think that an employee suggestion box would be beneficial, andmost of my department wants to help with the upcoming company picnic to bond outside of theoffice environment.Again, this examples uses words that are vague about the quality and quantity ofthe feedback, e.g. some input, some other things, and some of us think.Revision: Here is your requested feedback on company work environment:Positives: Company picnic for employee bondingMore overtime opportunities to increase payOpportunities: Increase company­sponsored eventsProvide an employee suggestion boxOffer chance to help with department functionsBusiness Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams10 of 12Credible1. Original Version: You will probably be turning in your resignation because you said if youdidnt get the promotion, you would quit. I just heard that Janie got the promotion and will startin the new position before too long. This is a message the writer might want to think hard about sending. Remember toalways question the source of your information before passing it along. Or, betteryet, wait for the official announcement.Revision: VP Andersen just announced that beginning January 1, (year), Janie Abitt will be thenew office manager for our company.2. Original Version: Most of our clients think that we should add more company services. One ofthe services mentioned is a delivery service. I know someone I can contact who provides thatservice and have already contacted him.Ask the right questionswhich or how many clients? What services? Whom doyou know (a brother­in­law who is out of work?), and why did you contact themwithout authorization?Revision: Based on a client survey, seventy percent of our customers would use a deliveryservice. Lynn Smelter, owner of Smelters Delivery Service, which has been in business for over20 years, has agreed to give us detailed information by the end of the month.3. Original Version: Mary said that she knows a better method for some of our companysprocesses that someone told her about. She said that they worked great for one of our competitors.Ask the right questions. Which Mary­­only one in the company? Which companyprocesses? Someone that worked great? Which competitors?Revision: Mary Herman in Accounting recently attended a How to Improve Accounting seminar,sponsored by Ernst & Young. Wright the Wrong software can reduce the amount of payrollcorrection time by 25%. Company R, our leading competitor, has used it successfully for sixmonths.Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams11 of 12Coherent1. Original Version: A new process for correcting pay check errors will begin Monday. Reminder:Have you signed up for the company bowling league yet? The landscaping on the north side willbegin next month.This example contains three different ideas with nothing to connect.Revision:Reminders:1. A new process for correcting paycheck errors will begin Monday.2. The company bowling league signup ends Wednesday. 3. The landscaping on the north sidewill begin next month.3. Original Version: At the next company­wide sponsored meeting, refreshments will be cateredby Rits Catering Service. How many employees will represent your department? Next week wehave a group of high school students coming to tour our facilities, and we need a couplevolunteers to act as guides for the students. Friday is the last date to give input on our companysproposed dress policy or to suggest what refreshments we should have for our meeting.This example contains five unconnected ideas. Revision:Please email your input on the following items by Friday (give exact date) to[email protected]: 1. How many employees from your department will attend the company­wide meeting on (date?)2. What is your preference of refreshments from Rits Catering for the meeting?3. Are you available to act as a volunteer guide for a group of 50 high school students on (givedate)? 4. What is your input on the proposed dress policy?Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams12 of 12